So, Y2K arrived without problems, eh? Well that's what they want you to think, but here at the Gibbs Institute of Countermeasures and Propaganda, we know the truth.
The truth is simple; Y2K was a disaster. A real, bona fide end of the world as we know it. There were numerous nuclear meltdowns, the banking system went to hell, and the power, water and telephones failed over much of the country.
"Why," you may well be asking, "didn't I notice?"
A fine question. The answer is simple: It's a government cover-up! That's right, somewhere under the Rockies the government has acres of enormous computers simulating the stock market, generating artificial news and generally faking it.
That telephone call you had yesterday from your incredibly irritating aunt in Huntersville, North Carolina? That wasn't her, she was zapped out of existence when the security system at Duke Power Company's McGuire plant decided that, as it was the start of the 20th century, all worker IDs must be fake and promptly sealed off the reactor room to stave off terrorist incursion.
Alas, when the thermic lance cut through the doors the emergency crew was just in time to see the reactor vessel collapse as the core headed toward China. That was nothing compared with the explosion that followed which sent your aunt to join the choir invisible.
Who called you then? Why, those computers under the Rockies. They've been monitoring your calls for years, and they knew it was time for you to be irritated by her again.
Don't believe me? Call her up. Listen carefully. Does that line sound tinny? Does she sound rather odd? Could that be because you're the last person she expected to call her or because she's artificial? You decide.
And why isn't the Internet a-buzz with rumour and speculation? Well, actually it is. It is just that the government is filtering everything you -- yes, you personally -- get from the 'Net. And the same applies to all the people you actually physically see. You are all being manipulated.
The deception is clever, really clever. You know all that spam you receive? Government-generated. If it had just stopped, it would have been a dead giveaway. And you know what's worse? The whole spam phenomenon was a government creation from the very beginning!
Just think about it: The government knew that Y2K hell was going to break loose and by generating tons of spam, and for that matter, all those telephone sales calls that happen just as you sit down to dinner, they created a noise background that could be used to give you a sense of continuity even when the fabric of society has been, in reality, torn apart. As indeed it has been. Clever.
It goes further: Anyone who starts to speculate, spread rumours or tell the truth is "isolated." You've heard of the black helicopters? They belong to the UN, which is working with the US government to control the world (you didn't know? Sheesh.). And obviously if the US goes to hell, there's not much hope for the new world order. Hence the big coverup.
And more than that, much of what you think is the government is artificial. How else could you explain Bill Clinton or Al Gore? How could a candidate such as George W. Bush exist except in a computer-generated simulation? And consider that Jeff Bezos was Time's Man of the Year. See what I mean?
So, there's not much time. Tell your friends, tell your neighbors. Don't call anyone, don't send e-mail, you have no idea whether the recipient exists or is just computer-generated, and anyway, those computers won't let you. Hell, you can't even trust this column -- I might be simulated.
Must go, I can hear a helicopter outside.
Suspicions to nwcolumn@ gibbs.com. Use a carrier pigeon.