All RATBAGS without JOBS can get STUFFT

All RATBAGS without JOBS can get STUFFT

Extract from the Public Service handbook and guide to the GSTNow, of course, you've read all those GST information leaflets that have been sent out and you have a complete understanding of how it's all going to work. You don't? Well never mind . . .

The new system is NUTS (New Universal Taxation System), and although it may appear to be complicated, it is very easy to understand. Basically, it is STUFFT (Simplified Tax Unit For Financial Transactions). Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business Entity - an Australian Business Utilisation Number (ABUN) - which will be used during dealings with governments at all levels.

Every business in Australia will get ABUN with NUTS. The new system will simplify the way businesses report to the Australian Taxation Collection Head Office Organisation (ATCHOO). Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement Table And Report Directive (BASTARD) every month. Businesses should set aside at least three days every working week to fill the BASTARD out.

Under the new system, every adult Australian taxpayer is classified as a SUCKER (Simple Underpaid Consumer Keeping Everything Running), unless they are unemployed and receiving Commonwealth benefits, in which case they will be classified as a RATBAG (Registered Australian Taxation Beneficiary Allowance Grantee).

All SUCKERs and RATBAGs will be required to complete a DAFT (Direct Application For Taxation) form. The completed DAFT form will be assessed by a local MORON (Metropolitan Or Regional Outcome Negotiator) who determines the amount of CRAP (Credited Refund Allowance Payment) the taxpayer will receive. Any SUCKER who wishes to appeal against the amount of CRAP received from the Government should contact their local MORON, who will assess the appeal and classify it as either STUPID (Secondary Temporarily Unpaid Portion of Individual Donation), or IDIOTIC (Income-Derived Individual Obligatory Taxation Instalment Credit). If you are a RATBAG, you will not be entitled to ABUN with NUTS. You will need to apply for the new allowance provided jointly by both State and Federal Governments, JOB (Joint Organisation Benefit). Any RATBAG who does not apply for a JOB can get STUFFT.

From July 1, when all of Australia goes NUTS, small businesses need to submit a fortnightly General Allocation Rebate For Business And Goods Estimate (GARBAGE) report to the Department for Untaxed Merchandise and Produce (DUMP). Your GARBAGE must be sent to the DUMP before the 30th of each month. All small businesses must be registered as Business Utilising Sales Tax (BUST) by June 30th, and small businesses employing more than 2.7 persons on a regular full-time basis must give each employee the Statutory Assessment Contribution Kit (SACK) on or before July 1. Only when all employees have been given the SACK will the business be officially acknowledged as BUST. In order to alleviate any hardship during the changeover period, the Government will establish a Department Of Grants and Subsidaries (DOGS).

It is anticipated that, by the end of the next financial year, most Australian businesses will be registered as BUST and the country will have gone to the DOGS.

PS2: Pretty standard, really

The official Sony line leads to a back alley of Tokyo and a lifetime match made in heaven for a boy and his gameBy Fawn LlewellynThe plan was simple: Go to Japan and buy a Sony PlayStation 2.

For months, Tabloid spy Sebastian Marks had been lusting after a PS2, and he just couldn't wait until October for the Australian launch. (Sebastian works for a gaming magazine, so he does have a good excuse!)We were travelling to Long Island, New York for a friend's wedding, and since our flights went via Tokyo, it seemed the perfect opportunity for Sebastian to buy his PS2.

After leaving Hicksville, a real town on Long Island, we touched down in our Pokemon plane at Narita Airport, just outside Tokyo, eager to hunt down a PS2.

Our hotel in Ginza was chosen partly because of its proximity to the Sony Building, a display centre spanning five levels. No joy there, as the centre was not a retail outlet.

To make matters worse, the staff could not suggest anywhere that we might purchase a PS2, offering the official Sony line that PS2 has sold out at all Sony resellers across Tokyo. They also showed us an English translation of the Japanese Government edict that PS2 is not to be sold outside Japan, as its processing power is so sophisticated it could potentially be converted into a missile guidance system. (In fact, you are allowed to export PS2s . . . but only one at a time.)Our next stop was Tower Records. They too had sold out, but they did direct us to a number of stores in another district of Tokyo.

One subway ride later and still no joy. These stores had also been depleted of PS2s. Depressed and beginning to believe the Sony corporate line, we wandered around looking for a place to eat lunch.

The trick with Tokyo is that you don't find anything on the main street, everything cool is in the alleys, everything from vending machines selling beer to restaurants and night clubs.

So it was fitting that it was in one of these alleys, on our way back to the subway after lunch, that we spotted a store bearing the PS2 logo. We went inside for one more look, and sure enough, the store had at least five PS2 consoles.

One hour and $600 later, Sebastian Marks is standing with his new life partner (Pretty Sexy 2) outside the Sony building. Check out the look of elation!

The moral of the story is, of course, trust the resellers, not the vendor.

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