Wednesday's grok: Dude, where’s my iPhone 5?

Tagline: iPhone 4S, ugly Androids, and Leisure Suit Larry Ellison @openworld

So just how shallow are you people? If Apple brought out an iPhone 5 in all but name but it looked like grandpa’s old iPhone 4, would you buy it? Apple is betting it has the fanboys so hooked on the drip that the answer is yes. Grok isn’t so sure, and yet... and yet...

While the iPhone5 is nowhere to be seen (except within the innards of the iPhone 4S ) this is still a hefty advance. Techcrunch notes a number of key improvements, among them: "(a) Dual-core A5 CPU, said to be '2x as fast at CPU tasks', (b) Dual-core graphics, up to '7x faster than the previous iPhone', (c) Battery life estimates: 8 hours talk time on 3G, 14 hours on 2G, 6 hours of browsing on 3G, 9 on Wi-Fi, 10 hours of video playback, 40 hours of music."

There’s also a great new voice interrogation feature courtesy of the integration of the Siri technology Apple bought last year. So you can use real language queries like “Hello, iPhone 5 people?”

Helpfully, the Crunch provides a summary of the event and the major upgrades.

None of which answers our key question: How shallow are you?

Like us, are you standing out the front of the Apple Store in George Street this morning, nine days before its Australian (and worldwide) release filing your copy on your ancient iPhone 3GS, and hoping to God nobody notices you tapping the screen on your secret shame maker.

Or do you have more common sense?

It just feels wrong, you know. It feels like a loser to bring in an interstitial piece of technology when everyone knows the real McCoy is just around the corner. And for the installed iPhone4 base it's a no-brainer to sit this one out. The markets hated it and Apple stock fell after the event. The stars are not aligning, and yet and yet...

But at least we all know the answer to Mashable’s rhetorical entreaty: Did Apple fail to manage expectations?

What? Not everyone owns an iPhone?

Spare a thought for the Ugly Sister this morning — Android. You know, bigger market share, faster growth, can’t get a date to the prom. And now it seems anyone can find out who she’s been dialing on all those lonely nights in.

A security flaw identified recently tells hackers “where you are, who you have called and sent text messages to” and allows them to disable your phone remotely, according to the article on the SMH . The HTC Sensation and the HTC EVO 3D are in the crosshairs down under.

Yep, it’s all about Larry.

While Grok took an extended sabbatical into the real world between the years of 2004 and 2011, IT industry super villain Leisure Suit Larry Ellison apparently went off and bought himself a real hardware company (well, Sun Microsystems anyway). Larry, who only likes to focus on one enemy at a time, currently has IBM in his sights.

But even though our favorite celebrity CEO might not have upgraded his wardrobe or bought a razor in all that time, he’s lost none of his chutzpah, comparing Oracle to the Apple of the Enterprise. Maybe that’s the Star Ship Enterprise and LSL is simply spaced out by all the changes around him in recent years.

He so desperately wanted to be Bill Gates, but then Steve Jobs came out of exile and stole that crown, and who the hell is Mark Zuckerburg anyway? So now Larry’s reduced to hawking chipsets. Network Computer anyone? But as Bill Clinton once famously observed, it ain’t over till the last dog dies. The New York Times says Oracle may be circling Hewlett Packard, and while Ellison would pay a hefty premium, the Grey Lady quotes analysts suggesting he could generate an even heftier return.

And buying HP would be a hell of a way to grab our attention.

Andrew Birmingham is at the front of the queue for the iPhone 4S (The S stands for shiny, shiny new iPhone.) He’ll be updating his twitter account mobilishly @ag_birmingham.

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