Stories by: Andy Ihnatko

Recently I've been contemplating my Steel Ruler of Righteousness and trying to decide if it isn't time for me to mete out a little wrath. I try not to use the Ruler unless a situation really screams for it -- for example, when I encounter a movie director who believes that if he throws in that effect from The Matrix or films the action sequences in John Woo-style slow motion, I won't notice that his movie totally sucks. Imagine my dilemma after I saw Mission: Impossible 2.

When was the first time someone told me to get a life? I've been sitting here at my PowerBook for 20 minutes pondering this one. I'm thinking junior high, but wouldn't it be difficult to say that to a 12-year-old and make it really sting? Besides, on the occasions when my classmates felt it necessary to actualize their emotions on the subject of Young Ihnatko, they universally preferred the thrown beer bottle method.

As a gamer, I'm a trollop, a floozy, a . . . well, you know. In it for the kicks and then on to the next one. I thought I should be up-front about that. You may judge me as you will. That's why I'm grateful the folks at the Ricki Lake show never book gamers as guests. Because if they did, at some point I'm sure I'd get lured on camera under the pretense of a free makeover, and only when I was sweating under the harsh studio lights and the harsher vocal judgment of Ricki's audience would I learn that the actual show title was "Baby, It Ain't Just Me You've Been Spinnin'! And Whoop! You've Been Found Out."